Here is a story I'm writing. I would love to get some feedback. Thank you.
-Jasmyne
p.s. sorry if there are any speech errors or anything like that. I couldn't figure out how to fix it.
Diamond
By Jasmyne Carson
I run into an alleyway, smiling deviously to myself. A warm piece of bread is tucked under my right arm, and I listen to the baker yelling at a confused bystander. I turn sharply to the right and huddle in a corner hidden by the shadows. I hastily tear off a piece of bread and shove it in my mouth. The crust of the bread crunches, and the inside seems to dissolve instantly.. I eat about half of it, and stuff the rest into my bag. I walk back out into the street and look around at the dusty, dry road filled with bustling people. To the side are beggars, holding out their hands and cups, pleading to nobles who walk by. There are shops and building to either side of me, and nobles stop to look for a while before moving on. I hope it’s still there. I make my way to a jewelry stand and eye the diamond dagger on display at the end of the table.
“Can I help you?” asks an old man wearing baggy pants and a stained shirt. His face is kind, and his leathery, wrinkled skin gives him the appearance of a wise man. At first I’m surprised. Most people consider me to be too young to be out in the streets without my parents, or my master. If I was with either, neither would have allowed me to look at weapons.
“How much is that diamond dagger?” I ask.
“That? It’s well over anything your master gave you,” he says. .
Oh. So that’s what he thinks I’m doing. Just running an errand for some lazy nobleman.
“How much,” I say bluntly.
“Two hundred Lira,” he responds.. I have been wanting to buy that dagger for a while, but two hundred Lira is way too much. Bargaining time.
“Two hundred Lira?” I gasp in a shocked voice. “That thing is worth seventy-five Lira. But, I’ll be generous and give you a hundred twenty-five.” The storekeeper leans over.
“Hundred sixty,” he challenges.
“Hundred forty.” The storekeeper pauses, and then looks down.
“Done.” I shuffle in my bag, and pull out a jingling pouch. I take out a large coin, and 4 smaller ones. I toss them on the counter and grab the dagger. Something feels strange about it though. I’ll let Neid look at it. I walk into an alleyway and place the dagger in a sheath hidden under my long sleeve. I leave the backstreet and make my way to my brother’s shop.
“I’ll be with you in a minute,” yells Neid from the back room of his small store. I turn and look at some of his carvings. They all are so beautiful. Some are little painted bowls used for holding jewelry, and others are life size models of people made of marble.
“Oh. It’s you,” he mumbles as he walks through the doorway. “What is it Trig?”
“I need you to look at this diamond dagger. It doesn’t feel right,” I say pulling it from my sleeve.
“Where did you get that?” he asks in a surprised voice.
“I bought it on the way here. It isn’t like I don’t have money,” I retort.
“Trig, having and earning money the honest way are two different things.”
“I know. So… what is it?”
“I don’t know...”Neid contemplates as he picks up another diamond. “…but this isn’t diamond. It’s something else,” he says as he rubs the two together.
“ What?”
“I think it’s like diamond, but tougher. It scratches this diamond easily, and the diamond did next to nothing to it. It’d be better if you kept it. If anything weird starts happening, or people start asking to buy it, bring it back here.” He hands me my dagger, and looks down at me. “Make sure it stays with you. If it’s something valuable, we could use it later on.”
“Thanks,” I say. “Hey, I’m leaving. The Ubolos are getting kind of nosey. I also have to finish up a job in a town nearby.”
“Ok, but just make sure you’re careful.”
“Ok. Bye.”
“Bye.” I close the door and start walking down the street. He’s still the same worry bug he was 5 years ago when Dad got caught. I turn out of the street, and head to one of the city’s walls.
It is just about 3 hours after dusk when I reach the city gate. They have shut them and set the guards. The guards look alert, and their eyes stare into the night looking for any kind of movement. I stand in one of the shadows of a building. The guards look my way, but I’m too small to be noticed.
At least that’s one advantage of being young. But I hate that you’re never taken seriously when you’re young, and kids usually can do things so much better than adults. We can hide in a crack that any other adult would have ignored. Our ears are more sensitive, and our eyes are more developed. The only problem is that no one takes us seriously. If I was caught, the only thing the guards would do is stuff me in a building until they could sell me off to a noble. Of course that would be illegal, but no one would care enough to stop them. If I was an adult, they would have at least considered me some kind of threat.
I slide along the wall until I’m to the side of the guards. I pick up some rocks, and throw them over their heads.
“Did you hear that?” asks one of the guards.
“Yeah,” the other guard says. “I’ll go see what it is.” The guard slowly pulls his sword free of the sheath and walks into the darkness. The other guard straightens his posture, and nervously looks around. I walk out into the light, and make myself look innocent and weak.
“Whose there?” bellows the guard. I don’t answer. I just stop in front of the guard and lower my head. “Oh,” he says. He lowers his sword, and walks toward me. I sprint, and jump. My hand forms a fist, and I raise my middle knuckle slightly. I slam it into the man’s temple. He swerves, and then falls. I walk over to him, and take the keys clipped to his belt. I walk over to the gate, unlock it, and walk out onto the dry, open plain.
“Nothing there. Probably just…” says the returning guard. I turn around, and watch the pale faced guard stare blankly at his unconscious companion.
